Before having Eleanor I read up on the baby blues and postpartum depression. I was worried my hormones would be all out of whack and they would have me on a roller coaster of emotion. Surprisingly though, I felt pretty good after Ellie's birth. I felt attached to Ellie and to Matt and I felt fragile, but I didn't feel depressed; I didn't feel out of control. The first two weeks felt like a safe cocoon. Friends and family came to visit; Matthew was home. It was a really magical time. Then we got ready for Matt to return to work. The reality of him going back made me think about returning myself, just 6 short weeks later, and it felt paralyzing. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't enjoy the time I had. I couldn't enjoy the last few days with Matt home. I had trouble sleeping. I found I was willing to do anything to make staying at home with Ellie a possibility. Thankfully, I have an incredibly understanding and supportive husband and we sat down and re-ran the numbers, we tweaked the budget, and found ways to make it possible for me to stay home with our baby girl. I was so surprised at the visceral reaction I had to returning to work. It gave me so much respect for the women that do, whether by choice or not. And you know what else surprised me about having this baby? I cry during movies now. It's not the hormones, (well maybe it partially is). It just feels like Ellie has stretched my heart out a little more, made more room, given me more space for empathy and sympathy.
So in the end my maternity leave turned into a lifestyle change. And as it officially ends next Tuesday, I couldn't be happier or prouder of my new role, as a full time Momma.
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