I have no proper words to respond to the school shooting in Newtown, CT. So many beautiful tributes have been made to those that were lost. As a new parent, my heart is broken for those families who had a child that did not return home from school that day. I cannot fathom the pain they must be in as the reality of this settles into their lives.

I recently watched an interview with Elie Wiesel and Oprah Winfrey. Having lived through an unimaginable tragedy himself, where many children were killed as well, his reflection on the Holocaust sounded in my head as I watched the news coverage at Sandy Hook. When Oprah had asked Elie about the loss of his young sister (aged 7) and all the others at the concentration camps, he said:

"Why the children? My God, why the children? You know, that the million and a half children were killed. Straight from the train. Do you know what they have done to humanity? How many among them could have grown up to become scientists? Physicians. Poets. Scholars. Friends of humanity. Saviors of the world. What they have done to the world."

I could not agree more. The extra sadness felt when a young child is lost is felt most earnestly in their innocence and in a life not yet lived. What might those children have grown up to do?

My prayer is for peace, understanding, and strength to move forward for those families affected and for the survivors at Sandy Hook.

Our Little Acrobat

On Sunday Eleanor rolled over for the first time! She rolled from her tummy to her back. It was so much fun to watch her concentrating so hard and then celebrate her success. She was so proud of herself! It was a neat moment for us and I was so glad it happened on a day that Matthew was home. All of her hard work tired Ellie out so much that she slept 11 straight hours that night; two records in one day!

Empathy

Our family received some sad news today.  Long time family friend's of my husband lost their daughter on Monday.  Despite the fact that I never met this incredible woman, her passing leaves a big hole in our hearts.  You see this young lady and my husband fought a similar battle.  Sadly, hers was longer and harder than Matthew's, and my heart is just breaking for her family and friends.  Empathy is such a strong bond.  Having been through something yourself, it opens you up to others in a way you just can't imagine before hand.  Being a mother has also changed my view on things.  I know one day I won't be able to fix everything for Eleanor.  That I'll have to let her struggle through things, both little and big, and I won't be able to help.  That I'll only be able to love her and encourage her and give her strength and a safe harbor to come home to.  That scares me.  But it also reminds me that today I am lucky.  I'm lucky that my husband is in good health and so is my daughter.  I am lucky that Eleanor's problems are no worse than a wet diaper or an empty belly.  There will be days to come when this list is longer and scarier but for today I will just be grateful and know that God has a plan for all of us and that he has welcomed our friend into his arms where she can finally rest, and however small that feels right now, it is comforting to know she is safe and finally home.

Our First Thanksgiving

This year I have so very much to be grateful for. First, I'm so lucky to be married to such a wonderful, loving man. Our relationship is the basis for our family and I'm so proud and humbled by our partnership. Secondly, I am so very thankful for our sweet daughter Eleanor. Her little face lights up my heart every day. I feel so blessed to be her momma. I am thankful too for our warm home, our jobs, for our large family spread out across the US. For our family of another kind; our supportive, nurturing and hilarious friends that have buoyed our spirits when they were low, and have made each day more meaningful and more fun. As I sit here compiling all that I'm thankful for it is such a beautiful reminder that life is how you frame it to be. How lovely that we take a day to remember all the good we have in our lives.

Baby Blues

Looking into Eleanor's deep blue eyes could mesmerize you all day long. Their blueberry blue is so full of joy, and laughter and concentration.

Just the other day we were out for a walk together & I noticed something. With Ellie strapped up so close to me, and out in the natural light, those navy blue oceans had grown some beautiful golden brown flecks. Those spots seemed to appear overnight, but that's how everything is with a tiny baby; one minute they can barely latch on, the next they are professional nurserer, or their wobbly little head must be supported at all times and then you are teaching them to sit up. It's amazing to watch a little being grow up. I'm waiting with baited breath for every single dash and spot of color to splash onto her irises and to watch her grow into a young lady. It's the most amazing thing in this world.

BFF

Meet Eleanor's current best friend. She stares in adoration at him all day long. We've named him Winston.

Dreams

This little face just breaks my heart. All the joy, love, heartache, hopes, fears and dreams we poured into this little body sure made something amazing. I physically miss her tiny, warm body when I'm away from her. Grateful is a word too small.

A Quick Hello

Baby Ellie helped me out today on my first day of part time work from home. She is a fabulous assistant, even taking a 4 hour nap to let me get work done!!

My First Halloween

I'm the cutest little girl in town!

Captions 2

Giggles

Eleanor has discovered smiles and laughter this week. It is so precious and so much fun! We stare at each other laughing all day!

Maternity Leave?

I'm not a very outwardly emotional person. I don't cry during movies, I don't like Anne Geddes photography, and I don't get all mushy at other people's babies.

Before having Eleanor I read up on the baby blues and postpartum depression. I was worried my hormones would be all out of whack and they would have me on a roller coaster of emotion. Surprisingly though, I felt pretty good after Ellie's birth. I felt attached to Ellie and to Matt and I felt fragile, but I didn't feel depressed; I didn't feel out of control. The first two weeks felt like a safe cocoon. Friends and family came to visit; Matthew was home. It was a really magical time. Then we got ready for Matt to return to work. The reality of him going back made me think about returning myself, just 6 short weeks later, and it felt paralyzing. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't enjoy the time I had. I couldn't enjoy the last few days with Matt home. I had trouble sleeping. I found I was willing to do anything to make staying at home with Ellie a possibility. Thankfully, I have an incredibly understanding and supportive husband and we sat down and re-ran the numbers, we tweaked the budget, and found ways to make it possible for me to stay home with our baby girl. I was so surprised at the visceral reaction I had to returning to work. It gave me so much respect for the women that do, whether by choice or not. And you know what else surprised me about having this baby? I cry during movies now. It's not the hormones, (well maybe it partially is). It just feels like Ellie has stretched my heart out a little more, made more room, given me more space for empathy and sympathy.

So in the end my maternity leave turned into a lifestyle change. And as it officially ends next Tuesday, I couldn't be happier or prouder of my new role, as a full time Momma.

The Journey

"In God's sovereign plan, your present difficulty may be instrumental to your future happiness." -J.Yates

Before Eleanor there was another baby. And before that baby was cancer. It was a long road to get to our sweet girl, but we feel so very grateful that she is here.

Last Halloween we went in for a 9 week ultrasound. We were giddy with excitement as this was our miracle baby. My husband is a cancer survivor and we were told that having children naturally was very, very unlikely. We had begun to research and prepare for IVF when we found out we had somehow conceived on our own. You can imagine our shock and joy. When we went in for our 9 week ultrasound we found out our baby had not survived, and we were absolutely crushed. How could this possibly happen to us? How could this miracle be taken away so soon? Was this our only chance? We prayed for strength and for God to take our sweet baby to heaven with him, and we began to put our lives back on course.

Once we could try again we decided to start slowly and give ourselves time. We expected it would take time for our bodies and hearts to heal, and believed that we would get pregnant again; whether naturally or via IVF. We gave ourselves the timeline of trying on our own for 6 months, then looking at IVF again. After one month of trying we found out we were pregnant again; on Christmas morning. We couldn't believe it happened again so quickly. We were excited and terrified. I hadn't expected to be so afraid. I was so happy that God had answered our prayers and brought more life into our family, but I was so afraid for another heartbreaking ending. My pregnancy progressed and I had every symptom in the book, including serious nausea for the first 25 weeks. Despite the difficulty of feeling so awful, I was thankful for the symptoms as they were a daily reminder that things were on the right track. I both dreaded and yearned for the doctor's appointments. I was so scared to go in, but totally relieved each time to heart our baby's heartbeat or see her sweet profile on the sonogram. I was also frustrated and angry at times throughout the process. I wanted so badly to be filled with joy and excitement for our new baby, but I was so terrified of losing her that it was hard. This pregnancy didn't feel innocent like the first one; it had weight. I breathed easier after 12 weeks, but I kept hearing sad stories of miscarriages far into pregnancies and knew I wouldn't truly relax until I held our girl. We chose to find out the gender of our baby for many reasons, but one of which was how hard it was not knowing anything about the baby we had lost. Knowing the gender helped us to humanize and connect with our growing baby.

On August 28, after a pretty fast moving and smooth labor, our baby girl arrived. And as they gave her to me I cried so hard; I felt so thankful that she was safe. It was a long journey, but she was here. God helped to heal our pain in such a wonderful way. This beautiful girl will never take the place of our first baby, but she has mended our hearts in such a loving way and brought some of the innocence back into our lives.

Captions

If you can't have fun, what's the point?

6 weeks old!

I cannot believe how fast this is going already. In the blink of an eye I'll be packing her up for college!

Mom Hair

The only thing worse than mom jeans is a mom haircut. It tells the world you've given up and are officially in the realm of utilitarian. I had been dreading getting a haircut and anyone saying this to me so I decided that no matter what I wasn't going to cut my long locks anywhere near her birth. But after surviving the hottest summer in anyone's memory, I lost my will. In late June I cut 4 inches off. Then I had that weird in between hair length. Then in August I cut off another 4 ... by accident. It really is no fault of my stylist, but boy did I leave in a bad mood. I made the classic mistake of taking in a picture of a hair style I liked, and thinking I'd come out looking the same as that girl. I came out with the same haircut, but I did not look anything like that gorgeous girl in the picture. See, I naturally have a round face so short hair tends to make it look rounder (read: chubbier). Being 9 months pregnant also wasn't doing me any favors in that department. I had thought the haircut was a "long bob;" my stylist thought it was just a bob. And by the time I realized that, it was already too short. So, lesson number one was learned about motherhood in that salon: be very, very, clear about what you want, and then if it doesn't happen? Suck it up and put it in a ponytail.


Also, stock up on bobby pins.

Night Terrors

You would think that these days I'm mostly being woken up in the middle of the night by my charming, screaming infant. While that is true, there is another culprit in the house as well--my husband. Just last night he shook me awake and said, "Honey, could you hold the baby; I need to go to the bathroom." I bolted awake concerned as I did not remember giving the baby to Matt. Since he's back at work, I try to not wake him when I get up to feed and change Eleanor. I asked him in a panic why he had her. His reply, " Oh never mind, I guess I don't." And there she was all swaddled up in her bed.

I guess these days she's the only one getting the rest she needs.

Neighborhood Walk

So I don't know that much about being a mother yet.  For instance, when it comes to taking a walk with Ellie and Foster, I've been putting E in the baby carrier and then I have two free hands for walking the pooch (and picking up after him--joy!).  Since this has worked amazingly well for the first 5 weeks of her life, I thought I would stop doing that and try something new--that's the recommended thing to do; right?  When you've found something that works for an infant child, stop doing that; it makes sense, yes?

Well anyway, today I decided to place our baby girl in her bassinet stroller and take her and Foster on a deliciously long walk since the weather was so perfect.  I walked about a half hour and then Ellie started to get a little fussy.  I thought it would definitely pass, so I just started to talk to her and kept going.  (You know where this is headed, right?)  Anyway, about 10 minutes after that Ellie was in full scale melt-down, Foster was obsessed with both the squirrel near him and the huge German Shepard being walked across the street and I was trying to wrangle everyone all while an elderly gentleman watering his flowers looked on in horror.  You know what turns out not to be so fun?  Walking 40 minutes with a screaming baby in your arms, all the while trying to push a huge stroller and keep your dog from running away/destroying people's yards/eating every squirrel in sight/knocking down every person on the sidewalk.

Turns out a stroller, infant, and a 65 lb. dog require two people, if using them all at once.  Tomorrow we are back to the baby carrier.

Before the meltdown--Doesn't she look innocent...

First Post!

Well hello there!

Writing a first post is awkward.  It feels like you should be clarifying the tone of the blog which seems silly since the blog doesn't even yet exist.  So, let me explain a few things about myself instead. I'm married to a fabulously handsome and smart gentleman named Matthew; we have a gorgeous, sweet, 5 week old baby girl named Eleanor; and we have a sensitive, but very good looking 5 year old Boxer named Foster.  We live in Chicago and I have just quit(!) my full time job to take a job with no pay, no vacation, and lots of dirty work--be Eleanor's mamma full time!  Given that I can tend toward cabin fever, and it's deep into fall--I knew I would need something to keep us busy during the Chicago winter ahead.  Stay tuned for lots of pictures, boring stories about our life, half-hearted attempts at trying to be amusing, and the like.

Matthew and I

Our sweet girl

The cutest puppy dog around